betrayed by the look on your sleeping face
you parted your lips and whispered my name
your fingers, congealed, your heart, unrevealed
softened, your face, by the sound of my name.
breathing, it slowed and muscles relaxed
thinking on how tomorrow must last
i curved my right arm into my own chest
building a wall 'round the one i love best.
my soul, unrepenting, i tucked deep inside
the softening feeling i get by your side
i've said it before, i'll say it again
ill not love another, i'll practice restrain
i'll build a big vault and keep deep within
the trust you desire for romance to begin
i'll keep the lock, i'll squander the key
until awake you become and in love i must be

a rare unroast

today, in this moment, at 2:16AM, i love my ability to fall in and out of love on a weekly basis. i love that, to me, attachments to people are ephemeral and fleeting. it allows me to live my life in a way that is complete and incomplete at the same time. it leaves me perpetually striving for more. it allows me to try on different people to go with me and return them if they don't look nice, mostly undamaged. it's painless for all parties involved. it's how i stay free.

being 19 is hedonistic and i think i'm ok with that .

also i learned something new about myself today: i refuse to wait around for people and i have no patience for analyzing text messages, phone calls, and brief exchanges in between class. this trait is inherently badass and i'm glad i'm finally developing an intolerance to bullshit. i suppose i learned my lesson after all this time.

cigarettes, tea, bon iver, staring blankly at the floor, tired, but most of all, hating the wait. you know what i mean?

irrationally upset. i need more manhattan.

When midnight strikes and

Cinderella’s had one too many to recall that she

Had her pumpkin there all along,

We slink off into the black night.

Music echoes off of empty bottles drained by

Thirsty kids, too young to care about the implications of

Their actions or reactions or the

12% induced thoughts blurted out, in lieu of

A moment of silence.

Metal cans touch plush lips, they dream about

Kissing their neighbor on the cheek just to say

Hey, I love you, I think you’re ok.

Hey, are you ok?

And there are hands on hands and feet touching feet

Here's to falling in love for the seventh time.

Cheers to a life in which all aspirations lie in the

Graze of two lips, put your hand on his hips,

Bring her back to your place and then

Give him the slip.

Hands, feet, hips, lips, snap shots of

Bronx memories, or lack thereof,

Which haunt these walls that

hold us in, but keep us

Around, hanging on to each other

For one more night in the devil town.

also, i just realized this!!!

sent this to one of my bffs exactly one year ago. oh, to be a freshman!

update: 2 months into school

i’m still me. i still wear big sweaters and pregnancy leggings, and i refuse to give up my dad’s old flannels. think i might wear them till they are tatters. i have found a new distaste for elitism- especially that of the hipster brand, the most unfounded, ridiculous kind- and a new appreciation for the rarity of an open mind. i still stay in on most nights and realize that in truth, i prefer coffee and conversation to meaningless banter at bars. i still crave independence and i still strive to be the best i can be, but i take breaks more often now to look at the world around me. i have a rediscovered the desire to read and learn and push myself. i love my parents more than ever and miss my sister with 400% of my being. i now realize that my home friendships were in fact real, and that they may change in some aspects but they will never fade from my mind or heart. i’m a little less confident and a little more of a chameleon, but i think that’s ok too. i hope that’s ok. i am starting to crave companionship sometimes, especially in autumn, but i think it’s a sign i’m over you. i’m not as cool as i thought. i wrote my first poem since i’ve been here last night and i think i like it. i’m starting to worry about my future, but i know it’s all going to work out. i’ve become very good at putting things in perspective. i still long, i still lust, i still listen to ella fitzgerald under the covers with my eyes closed. i’m still me.

update 1 yr 2 months into school:

still me, but with a tattoo, bangs, and more pairs of leggings. still into that. still a dreamer, still a learner, still curious. much more into politics. much less productive. happier, smarter, and calmer. still all about the coffee, but i drink tea now too. it’s much more comforting. don’t dislike hipsters as much as i used to, but still laugh at how high their noses sit in the air. must be hard to see reality like that. still in love with my 4 best friends, and also much more in love with all my new best friends at college. i cook now, and stopped sewing. and of course, i will always listen to ella under the covers with my eyes closed. i’m me, but more adult.

signs i'm going off the deep end:
1. got a tattoo
2. planning on chopping off all my hair
3. losing 15 pounds

...or maybe it's a sign that i'm coming back from the deep end? mmm i like that choice more. ill let you know the verdict when i finish up.

in other news, i'm starting to write well and think clearly for the first time in years. i think it's because i'm sad in a really genuine way, not just mopey about my pretty great life. i miss you, grammy, and if you can read blogs in heaven, i hope you know i am going to make you so proud of me. i can't wait to shine for you.