Closure

I try not to make this blog too personal, but today I can't stop thinking about closure.

This weekend, my friends and I are traipsing off to the beach to spend a weekend together. The inevitable "bonding experience" is terrifying to me because as of right now, I'm ready to leave. I have spent the last 2 months bringing closure to my life here. I've removed myself just enough so I can let go with relative ease, and I am perfectly positioned to get on with my future. I can't wait to cut my losses, I can't wait to move to New York, I can't wait make a reality of my dreams. I have never been the girl who reminisces over the past and who wishes things could "go back to the way they were..." In fact, I have always secretly prided myself on being able to move onwards and upwards. I worked hard to maintain the ability to adapt to any situation without letting my baggage overwhelm me, and I feel as if it has paid off so far...
But right now, I feel like all of that is at stake. I feel as if I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff that consists of perfect proportions of the past, the present, and the future.

And honestly, it's terrifying.

I have confidence that I'm ready, willing, and able to start this new chapter of my life. However I can't help wonder, what will happen if the balance is thrown off? What if something doesn't go according to the plan? When you have it all prepared, you have so much more to lose, and I feel like if one more significant thing happens to me, I could break the perfect proportions and shatter everything I've worked for. And I can't afford to shatter, not at this moment. As of now, I have tied up loose ends, distanced myself from anything that could hold me back, and strengthened the bonds I want to keep for the next chapter. But I know that living with 18 people this weekend will do one of two things- it will either make me hate everyone and make me even more ready to leave, or it will make me regret the fact that I virtually fear long-term attachment to anyone, and have not spent the time getting to know good people. As cold as it sounds, I am almost hoping for the former to happen. I don't want to feel as if my last 2 months were wasted bringing things to an end in my life, I don't want all the energy I put into having closure to be wasted. I mean, I don't know. I just don't want to doubt anything!

I think all of this stems back to my fear of not being an interesting person, and I'm afraid bonding with people my age will make me more stereotypical and less dimensional, if that makes sense. I want to stay cutting-edge and exciting- I don't want to be one of those people who lives for the, "we hung out in so and so's basement and smoked hookah," type nights. I mean, that's why this summer I'm traveling so much- I want to get out and avoid falling into a rut of, to quote the who, teenage wasteland. I'm going to Canada to let my guard down and step out of my comfort zone. I'm going to Guatemala again to be humbled and to be reminded of why I should count my blessings every single day. I'm going to Italy to experience the real culture of a foreign country with a local, and to get a taste of a completely different life. And lastly I'm going to North Carolina to relax, reflect, and reboot myself before I come home for 2 weeks and LITERALLY pack up my life for good. Hopefully this will allow for me to experience so many new things that it will push out the bad, and hopefully it will reinstate the closure I brought to my small-town life, and open up the door to a new, exciting future. As long as I get through this weekend unscathed, I think I should be scot-free and ready to go.

I'll end with a quote from my favorite poem Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman, a poem that I feel encompasses my life pretty perfectly right now.

From this hour, freedom!
From this hour, I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others, and considering well what they say
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me

I inhale great draughts of space
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

models as a muse

My favorite holiday was this week- the night of the Metropolitan Museum of Art's "Met Ball"!
the theme: models as a muse


<< the first met ball...oh, how i wish i could've been a fly on the wall!

To an Inconstant One

I LOVED thee once; I'll love no more—
Thine be the grief as is the blame;
Thou art not what thou wast before,
What reason I should be the same?
He that can love unloved again,
Hath better store of love than brain:
God send me love my debts to pay,
While unthrifts fool their love away!

Nothing could have my love o'erthrown
If thou hadst still continued mine;
Yea, if thou hadst remain'd thy own,
I might perchance have yet been thine.
But thou thy freedom didst recall
That it thou might elsewhere enthral:
And then how could I but disdain
A captive's captive to remain?

When new desires had conquer'd thee
And changed the object of thy will,
It had been lethargy in me,
Not constancy, to love thee still.
Yea, it had been a sin to go
And prostitute affection so:
Since we are taught no prayers to say
To such as must to others pray.

Yet do thou glory in thy choice—
Thy choice of his good fortune boast;
I'll neither grieve nor yet rejoice
To see him gain what I have lost:

-Sir Robert Ayton


inspiration strikes when you least expect it... that poem made my morning. it's gorgeous, isn't it?

wanderings

today i had the best new york day in the whole entire planet
didn't plan one thing
and everything worked out.

i can't fucking wait to live there.
is it possible to be soul mates with a city?

hmm. sunday musings.
love.

thought of the day

when you lose everything; you become scared of nothing.

Big Speak Yves-y

Okay, so I know the outfit on the left is kind of old (fall 2007), but I have been coveting 3 things lately that this look encompasses to a T.
They are...
1. Reinterpreted menswear for women. It's the oldest metaphor in the book for gender equality, but I can't help feeling empowered every time I buy a piece of mens clothing- ESPECIALLY one's that are inspired by men, but designed for women. I have Coco to thank for my love/appreciation of gender reversal in fashion.
2. Bows. Until this year, my childhood addiction to bows was reduced (out of fear of being labeled as a "prep") to a mere month every summer, when I stay in North Carolina and sail yachts. But now, thanks to a Ms. Blair Waldorf, Ms. Erin Fetherston, and Chloé, I feel like I can break out my ridiculous bows and headbands above the Mason-Dixon line, miles away from the nearest yacht club. And naturally, I love the literal translation of a "bow-tie" in this YSL look
3. Childhood Fairytales- doesn't this almost remind you of a taller, more New York little- red riding hood, in black? That was the first thing I thought of when I saw this.

So, in short, YSL 2007 is amazing, and this outfit encompasses everything I stand for as of April 14th, 2009. recognize!

darling, it's better down where it's wetter

silly thought: do you ever wish you were a jellyfish? with all that power, and no responsibility for your actions? just floating around the world's largest playground without a care in the world, for your entire life until one day, you simply stop existing. i really do just love them.