irrationally upset. i need more manhattan.

When midnight strikes and

Cinderella’s had one too many to recall that she

Had her pumpkin there all along,

We slink off into the black night.

Music echoes off of empty bottles drained by

Thirsty kids, too young to care about the implications of

Their actions or reactions or the

12% induced thoughts blurted out, in lieu of

A moment of silence.

Metal cans touch plush lips, they dream about

Kissing their neighbor on the cheek just to say

Hey, I love you, I think you’re ok.

Hey, are you ok?

And there are hands on hands and feet touching feet

Here's to falling in love for the seventh time.

Cheers to a life in which all aspirations lie in the

Graze of two lips, put your hand on his hips,

Bring her back to your place and then

Give him the slip.

Hands, feet, hips, lips, snap shots of

Bronx memories, or lack thereof,

Which haunt these walls that

hold us in, but keep us

Around, hanging on to each other

For one more night in the devil town.

also, i just realized this!!!

sent this to one of my bffs exactly one year ago. oh, to be a freshman!

update: 2 months into school

i’m still me. i still wear big sweaters and pregnancy leggings, and i refuse to give up my dad’s old flannels. think i might wear them till they are tatters. i have found a new distaste for elitism- especially that of the hipster brand, the most unfounded, ridiculous kind- and a new appreciation for the rarity of an open mind. i still stay in on most nights and realize that in truth, i prefer coffee and conversation to meaningless banter at bars. i still crave independence and i still strive to be the best i can be, but i take breaks more often now to look at the world around me. i have a rediscovered the desire to read and learn and push myself. i love my parents more than ever and miss my sister with 400% of my being. i now realize that my home friendships were in fact real, and that they may change in some aspects but they will never fade from my mind or heart. i’m a little less confident and a little more of a chameleon, but i think that’s ok too. i hope that’s ok. i am starting to crave companionship sometimes, especially in autumn, but i think it’s a sign i’m over you. i’m not as cool as i thought. i wrote my first poem since i’ve been here last night and i think i like it. i’m starting to worry about my future, but i know it’s all going to work out. i’ve become very good at putting things in perspective. i still long, i still lust, i still listen to ella fitzgerald under the covers with my eyes closed. i’m still me.

update 1 yr 2 months into school:

still me, but with a tattoo, bangs, and more pairs of leggings. still into that. still a dreamer, still a learner, still curious. much more into politics. much less productive. happier, smarter, and calmer. still all about the coffee, but i drink tea now too. it’s much more comforting. don’t dislike hipsters as much as i used to, but still laugh at how high their noses sit in the air. must be hard to see reality like that. still in love with my 4 best friends, and also much more in love with all my new best friends at college. i cook now, and stopped sewing. and of course, i will always listen to ella under the covers with my eyes closed. i’m me, but more adult.

signs i'm going off the deep end:
1. got a tattoo
2. planning on chopping off all my hair
3. losing 15 pounds

...or maybe it's a sign that i'm coming back from the deep end? mmm i like that choice more. ill let you know the verdict when i finish up.

in other news, i'm starting to write well and think clearly for the first time in years. i think it's because i'm sad in a really genuine way, not just mopey about my pretty great life. i miss you, grammy, and if you can read blogs in heaven, i hope you know i am going to make you so proud of me. i can't wait to shine for you.

A slight insecurity,

or should I say susceptibility to

Feelings of inadequacy,

driven home by the perfect glass slippers

Sliding onto the feet of

A thousand silicone cinderellas

Sitting next to, circumventing,

Suffocating me.

Lonely, lone, alone, loner

Of only fifteen years young.

Boundless talents,

Manifested in proficiency of drinking

Keystone Light and

Straight shots of vodka, no chaser please.

Black out, Brown out, Blue out

Me and you go out.

I laugh, you smile

We separate, glances exchanged

Together again, your hand, my waist

Flash to a first cigarette

Drag of burning

I picture myself a dragon

Breathing fire into

My life as

Cinderella the maid, waiting for

Prince Charming

In a lacrosse jersey with an endless supply of

Marlboro Reds

Of which I will never forget the taste.

Deep desires

Longing, loneliness, lust leads to

Groping furiously in the grass

They say get a room,

And so we do;

The story goes on from there,

As most sad stories do.

And all I see in the review mirror on the way home

Is another lonely princess

Morphed into a statistic.

cranky and needy with a chance of lonely

i feel like whining so here it goes:

over the summer my friends stopped thinking about me as a friend and as more of a human who happens to live in a space they party in.
then i turned a little meaner and stricter and my two amazing, way too nice friends moved in upstairs. because they are so nice and sweet and would never say no, my friends started partying up there, and began to consider my way-too-nice friends as inconveniences to their party space.
but still, to them, i didn't change back into a friend- just a secondary option if their primary party space didn't work.
and i'm a little upset and hurt but mostly mad at myself for letting them use me for that long
eventually i know the novelty of our places will wear off and things will go back to normal, but now it just sucks for all 4 of us living here

this is making me miss times when i didn't really have anything to offer, just a good heart and a happy smile. so i miss my high school friends and lauren and people who liked me when i had nothing to use.

i also am having a tough time opening up to people, but really, can you blame me?

i miss liz

plus wtf at that message you sent me. and wtf at the way i handled it. URGH. i am so awkward.

cutting off ties. it's a shame, but really, enough is enough. i hope you learn something.