in a write-y mood.
and not the good productive kind of writing

things on my mind:
1. how its not fair that you have to leave and we get to stay. it's making me nervous thinking about not having you around anymore. you make me smile so much that i think i would like to put you in my pocket and have you translate mundane conversation into the amazing way that you phrase things all the time.
2. how i am so nervous to have real responsibilities like paying bills, cooking for myself, and maintaining a household in addition to schoolwork. and how i never realized how real that all was until just now. suddenly, i feel unprepared and frightened.
3. the way the sky looked today with the green, green leaves and sunlight and clouds and freezing wind sitting by the dryer heat
4. how scary it is that memories fade.
5. how much i have changed already. i distinctly recall around this time last year writing a blog post about how i hated groups and just wanted to get away by myself. now, i am so attached to these people that leaving is going to be like being stretched in all different directions, like gumby, or maybe more like a person being tortured on the rack.
6. how little i have changed. how my girlfriends back home will always be my best friends, no matter how many other best friends they have or how far away we are for most of the year. how they will always be my rock and how no other people can replace the role the have had in shaping me and how i hate myself for not being able to express that to them enough.
7. how i smoke cigarettes too much/how much i really need to get back to the gym.
8. how little i really know about the world.
9. how cool it is that i am studying what i am studying, and starting my dream life despite the fact that it's not quite as romantic as i imagined it.
10. how scary it is that i can't form romantic attachment to anyone and how easily i get scared off. i feel like that deer that stands on the side of the road. you know, the one you glimpse out of the corner of your eye when driving and mutter, "alright you little fucker, are you going to cross or not?". and the deer just stands there and stands there and sometimes you stop and honk, but normally you just speed off into the distance and forget about it seconds later. and the deer is left standing there, waiting to cross the road cautiously when no one is looking.
i should try and get hit by cars more often. mutually assured destruction seems like more fun.

have you ever met someone that you love so much it hurts?
how about ten or so people?

every day this year we have poured a little of ourselves into a big pot, and everyday the lines that once distinctly marked our pasts became a little more blurred. suddenly, we have a collective past. it belongs to each of us equally. we laugh, we cry, we scream, we hold hands, we kiss, we fight, we laugh more, we sigh, we play music, we just want to get some, we make fun, we discuss. i can't find a time of the week i like better than saturday and sunday morning, when after three or four cups of coffee and toast we finally piece together what happened the night before, mixed with peels of laughter and the ubiquitous "i'm never going to drink again!" i never dreamed i would find a group of people that i loved most when they were all together. and i love that, even when we're not perfect, it's the knowledge that when we are apart we are a little bit less that makes the togetherness so much better. i want to record this feeling somewhere, this feeling that i am a part of something much bigger than myself. it's the first time in my life i have felt this way and it's beautiful, but i have a funny feeling that it isn't going to last forever.

this group has made me better in so many different ways, whether they realize it or not.
i feel whole.
this year was incredible.

so THIS is the new year

o, regarding 2010.
since 2009 was a year about me and finding myself, i feel ready to form some resolutions for 2010 that apply what i have learned. i'd like to open myself up to people at school more, i'd like to do more charity work, and i'd like to form a better work ethic. i'd like to make a long term commitment to something and i'd like to sustain my curiosity. i'd like to get really, really good at a hobby and i would like to continue traveling freely and without reserve.
and that's it. very simple, and i think very practical. even though 2009 was absolutely incredible, i am so excited for 2010. i know it will be amazing.

cosmopolitan greetings

Observe what’s vivid.
Notice what you notice.
Catch yourself thinking.
Vividness is self-selecting.
If we don’t show anyone, we’re free to write anything.

y tu mamá también

La vida tiene sus maneras de enseñarnos. La vida tiene sus maneras de confundirnos. La vida tiene sus maneras de cambiarnos. La vida tiene sus maneras de asombrarnos. La vida tiene sus maneras de herirnos. La vida tiene sus maneras de curarnos. La vida tiene sus maneras de inspirarnos.

from now on, we have a plan: one new thing a week.
from now on, we are creating our own paradise.
adventurers, explorers, call it what you will
we are here and we are living and we are inspired, what more can you ask for?

update: 2 months into school

i'm still me. i still wear big sweaters and pregnancy leggings, and i refuse to give up my dad's old flannels. think i might wear them till they are tatters. i have found a new distaste for elitism- especially that of the hipster brand, the most unfounded, ridiculous kind- and a new appreciation for the rarity of an open mind. i still stay in on most nights and realize that in truth, i prefer coffee and conversation to meaningless banter at bars. i still crave independence and i still strive to be the best i can be, but i take breaks more often now to look at the world around me. i have a rediscovered the desire to read and learn and push myself. i love my parents more than ever and miss my sister with 400% of my being. i now realize that my home friendships were in fact real, and that they may change in some aspects but they will never fade from my mind or heart. i'm a little less confident and a little more of a chameleon, but i think that's ok too. i hope that's ok. i am starting to crave companionship sometimes, especially in autumn, but i think it's a sign i'm over you. i'm not as cool as i thought. i wrote my first poem since i've been here last night and i think i like it. i'm starting to worry about my future, but i know it's all going to work out. i've become very good at putting things in perspective. i still long, i still lust, i still listen to ella fitzgerald under the covers with my eyes closed. i'm still me.

seasons of new york

fall, winter, spring...and now summer.
it's official. it's official. it's official.
all 4 seasons.
this is my place, my city.
i wake up every morning to this city;
fall asleep to it at night.
i know where the D train goes,
and i can point out broadway to lost tourists.
it's sneaking it's way into every conversation i have
and wiggling it's way into everything i write
i even doodle skylines in my notebook.
wish i could stop talking about it,
wish i could stop singing about it.
readers, i know you get it. i know you know how much i love it.
but when something consumes you like the way new york has me
it's just impossible not to babble and babble and babble
it inspires me in a new way every single day

hey new york, be mine forever?