Monday, May 18, 2009


I try not to make this blog too personal, but today I can't stop thinking about closure.

This weekend, my friends and I are traipsing off to the beach to spend a weekend together. The inevitable "bonding experience" is terrifying to me because as of right now, I'm ready to leave. I have spent the last 2 months bringing closure to my life here. I've removed myself just enough so I can let go with relative ease, and I am perfectly positioned to get on with my future. I can't wait to cut my losses, I can't wait to move to New York, I can't wait make a reality of my dreams. I have never been the girl who reminisces over the past and who wishes things could "go back to the way they were..." In fact, I have always secretly prided myself on being able to move onwards and upwards. I worked hard to maintain the ability to adapt to any situation without letting my baggage overwhelm me, and I feel as if it has paid off so far...
But right now, I feel like all of that is at stake. I feel as if I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff that consists of perfect proportions of the past, the present, and the future.

And honestly, it's terrifying.

I have confidence that I'm ready, willing, and able to start this new chapter of my life. However I can't help wonder, what will happen if the balance is thrown off? What if something doesn't go according to the plan? When you have it all prepared, you have so much more to lose, and I feel like if one more significant thing happens to me, I could break the perfect proportions and shatter everything I've worked for. And I can't afford to shatter, not at this moment. As of now, I have tied up loose ends, distanced myself from anything that could hold me back, and strengthened the bonds I want to keep for the next chapter. But I know that living with 18 people this weekend will do one of two things- it will either make me hate everyone and make me even more ready to leave, or it will make me regret the fact that I virtually fear long-term attachment to anyone, and have not spent the time getting to know good people. As cold as it sounds, I am almost hoping for the former to happen. I don't want to feel as if my last 2 months were wasted bringing things to an end in my life, I don't want all the energy I put into having closure to be wasted. I mean, I don't know. I just don't want to doubt anything!

I think all of this stems back to my fear of not being an interesting person, and I'm afraid bonding with people my age will make me more stereotypical and less dimensional, if that makes sense. I want to stay cutting-edge and exciting- I don't want to be one of those people who lives for the, "we hung out in so and so's basement and smoked hookah," type nights. I mean, that's why this summer I'm traveling so much- I want to get out and avoid falling into a rut of, to quote the who, teenage wasteland. I'm going to Canada to let my guard down and step out of my comfort zone. I'm going to Guatemala again to be humbled and to be reminded of why I should count my blessings every single day. I'm going to Italy to experience the real culture of a foreign country with a local, and to get a taste of a completely different life. And lastly I'm going to North Carolina to relax, reflect, and reboot myself before I come home for 2 weeks and LITERALLY pack up my life for good. Hopefully this will allow for me to experience so many new things that it will push out the bad, and hopefully it will reinstate the closure I brought to my small-town life, and open up the door to a new, exciting future. As long as I get through this weekend unscathed, I think I should be scot-free and ready to go.

I'll end with a quote from my favorite poem Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman, a poem that I feel encompasses my life pretty perfectly right now.

From this hour, freedom!
From this hour, I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others, and considering well what they say
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me

I inhale great draughts of space
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

No comments:

Post a Comment