betrayed by the look on your sleeping face
you parted your lips and whispered my name
your fingers, congealed, your heart, unrevealed
softened, your face, by the sound of my name.
breathing, it slowed and muscles relaxed
thinking on how tomorrow must last
i curved my right arm into my own chest
building a wall 'round the one i love best.
my soul, unrepenting, i tucked deep inside
the softening feeling i get by your side
i've said it before, i'll say it again
ill not love another, i'll practice restrain
i'll build a big vault and keep deep within
the trust you desire for romance to begin
i'll keep the lock, i'll squander the key
until awake you become and in love i must be

a rare unroast

today, in this moment, at 2:16AM, i love my ability to fall in and out of love on a weekly basis. i love that, to me, attachments to people are ephemeral and fleeting. it allows me to live my life in a way that is complete and incomplete at the same time. it leaves me perpetually striving for more. it allows me to try on different people to go with me and return them if they don't look nice, mostly undamaged. it's painless for all parties involved. it's how i stay free.

being 19 is hedonistic and i think i'm ok with that .

also i learned something new about myself today: i refuse to wait around for people and i have no patience for analyzing text messages, phone calls, and brief exchanges in between class. this trait is inherently badass and i'm glad i'm finally developing an intolerance to bullshit. i suppose i learned my lesson after all this time.

cigarettes, tea, bon iver, staring blankly at the floor, tired, but most of all, hating the wait. you know what i mean?

irrationally upset. i need more manhattan.

When midnight strikes and

Cinderella’s had one too many to recall that she

Had her pumpkin there all along,

We slink off into the black night.

Music echoes off of empty bottles drained by

Thirsty kids, too young to care about the implications of

Their actions or reactions or the

12% induced thoughts blurted out, in lieu of

A moment of silence.

Metal cans touch plush lips, they dream about

Kissing their neighbor on the cheek just to say

Hey, I love you, I think you’re ok.

Hey, are you ok?

And there are hands on hands and feet touching feet

Here's to falling in love for the seventh time.

Cheers to a life in which all aspirations lie in the

Graze of two lips, put your hand on his hips,

Bring her back to your place and then

Give him the slip.

Hands, feet, hips, lips, snap shots of

Bronx memories, or lack thereof,

Which haunt these walls that

hold us in, but keep us

Around, hanging on to each other

For one more night in the devil town.

also, i just realized this!!!

sent this to one of my bffs exactly one year ago. oh, to be a freshman!

update: 2 months into school

i’m still me. i still wear big sweaters and pregnancy leggings, and i refuse to give up my dad’s old flannels. think i might wear them till they are tatters. i have found a new distaste for elitism- especially that of the hipster brand, the most unfounded, ridiculous kind- and a new appreciation for the rarity of an open mind. i still stay in on most nights and realize that in truth, i prefer coffee and conversation to meaningless banter at bars. i still crave independence and i still strive to be the best i can be, but i take breaks more often now to look at the world around me. i have a rediscovered the desire to read and learn and push myself. i love my parents more than ever and miss my sister with 400% of my being. i now realize that my home friendships were in fact real, and that they may change in some aspects but they will never fade from my mind or heart. i’m a little less confident and a little more of a chameleon, but i think that’s ok too. i hope that’s ok. i am starting to crave companionship sometimes, especially in autumn, but i think it’s a sign i’m over you. i’m not as cool as i thought. i wrote my first poem since i’ve been here last night and i think i like it. i’m starting to worry about my future, but i know it’s all going to work out. i’ve become very good at putting things in perspective. i still long, i still lust, i still listen to ella fitzgerald under the covers with my eyes closed. i’m still me.

update 1 yr 2 months into school:

still me, but with a tattoo, bangs, and more pairs of leggings. still into that. still a dreamer, still a learner, still curious. much more into politics. much less productive. happier, smarter, and calmer. still all about the coffee, but i drink tea now too. it’s much more comforting. don’t dislike hipsters as much as i used to, but still laugh at how high their noses sit in the air. must be hard to see reality like that. still in love with my 4 best friends, and also much more in love with all my new best friends at college. i cook now, and stopped sewing. and of course, i will always listen to ella under the covers with my eyes closed. i’m me, but more adult.

signs i'm going off the deep end:
1. got a tattoo
2. planning on chopping off all my hair
3. losing 15 pounds

...or maybe it's a sign that i'm coming back from the deep end? mmm i like that choice more. ill let you know the verdict when i finish up.

in other news, i'm starting to write well and think clearly for the first time in years. i think it's because i'm sad in a really genuine way, not just mopey about my pretty great life. i miss you, grammy, and if you can read blogs in heaven, i hope you know i am going to make you so proud of me. i can't wait to shine for you.

A slight insecurity,

or should I say susceptibility to

Feelings of inadequacy,

driven home by the perfect glass slippers

Sliding onto the feet of

A thousand silicone cinderellas

Sitting next to, circumventing,

Suffocating me.

Lonely, lone, alone, loner

Of only fifteen years young.

Boundless talents,

Manifested in proficiency of drinking

Keystone Light and

Straight shots of vodka, no chaser please.

Black out, Brown out, Blue out

Me and you go out.

I laugh, you smile

We separate, glances exchanged

Together again, your hand, my waist

Flash to a first cigarette

Drag of burning

I picture myself a dragon

Breathing fire into

My life as

Cinderella the maid, waiting for

Prince Charming

In a lacrosse jersey with an endless supply of

Marlboro Reds

Of which I will never forget the taste.

Deep desires

Longing, loneliness, lust leads to

Groping furiously in the grass

They say get a room,

And so we do;

The story goes on from there,

As most sad stories do.

And all I see in the review mirror on the way home

Is another lonely princess

Morphed into a statistic.

cranky and needy with a chance of lonely

i feel like whining so here it goes:

over the summer my friends stopped thinking about me as a friend and as more of a human who happens to live in a space they party in.
then i turned a little meaner and stricter and my two amazing, way too nice friends moved in upstairs. because they are so nice and sweet and would never say no, my friends started partying up there, and began to consider my way-too-nice friends as inconveniences to their party space.
but still, to them, i didn't change back into a friend- just a secondary option if their primary party space didn't work.
and i'm a little upset and hurt but mostly mad at myself for letting them use me for that long
eventually i know the novelty of our places will wear off and things will go back to normal, but now it just sucks for all 4 of us living here

this is making me miss times when i didn't really have anything to offer, just a good heart and a happy smile. so i miss my high school friends and lauren and people who liked me when i had nothing to use.

i also am having a tough time opening up to people, but really, can you blame me?

i miss liz

plus wtf at that message you sent me. and wtf at the way i handled it. URGH. i am so awkward.

cutting off ties. it's a shame, but really, enough is enough. i hope you learn something.

you: can i sit here?
me: yeah sure
you: hey... we should fall in love. and then we can say we fell in love on a train.
silence
me: are you reading kurt vonnegut?
you: yeah, i just started
me: cool. let's be in love until my stop.
you: when's your stop?
me: it's the next one.
silence
you: i like being in love with you.
me: well we haven't gotten to the part where we fight yet and say nasty things to each other.
you: that's the beauty of falling in love on a train.
silence
me: well, this is my stop
you: what's your name?
me: good luck out there.

in a write-y mood.
and not the good productive kind of writing

things on my mind:
1. how its not fair that you have to leave and we get to stay. it's making me nervous thinking about not having you around anymore. you make me smile so much that i think i would like to put you in my pocket and have you translate mundane conversation into the amazing way that you phrase things all the time.
2. how i am so nervous to have real responsibilities like paying bills, cooking for myself, and maintaining a household in addition to schoolwork. and how i never realized how real that all was until just now. suddenly, i feel unprepared and frightened.
3. the way the sky looked today with the green, green leaves and sunlight and clouds and freezing wind sitting by the dryer heat
4. how scary it is that memories fade.
5. how much i have changed already. i distinctly recall around this time last year writing a blog post about how i hated groups and just wanted to get away by myself. now, i am so attached to these people that leaving is going to be like being stretched in all different directions, like gumby, or maybe more like a person being tortured on the rack.
6. how little i have changed. how my girlfriends back home will always be my best friends, no matter how many other best friends they have or how far away we are for most of the year. how they will always be my rock and how no other people can replace the role the have had in shaping me and how i hate myself for not being able to express that to them enough.
7. how i smoke cigarettes too much/how much i really need to get back to the gym.
8. how little i really know about the world.
9. how cool it is that i am studying what i am studying, and starting my dream life despite the fact that it's not quite as romantic as i imagined it.
10. how scary it is that i can't form romantic attachment to anyone and how easily i get scared off. i feel like that deer that stands on the side of the road. you know, the one you glimpse out of the corner of your eye when driving and mutter, "alright you little fucker, are you going to cross or not?". and the deer just stands there and stands there and sometimes you stop and honk, but normally you just speed off into the distance and forget about it seconds later. and the deer is left standing there, waiting to cross the road cautiously when no one is looking.
i should try and get hit by cars more often. mutually assured destruction seems like more fun.

have you ever met someone that you love so much it hurts?
how about ten or so people?

every day this year we have poured a little of ourselves into a big pot, and everyday the lines that once distinctly marked our pasts became a little more blurred. suddenly, we have a collective past. it belongs to each of us equally. we laugh, we cry, we scream, we hold hands, we kiss, we fight, we laugh more, we sigh, we play music, we just want to get some, we make fun, we discuss. i can't find a time of the week i like better than saturday and sunday morning, when after three or four cups of coffee and toast we finally piece together what happened the night before, mixed with peels of laughter and the ubiquitous "i'm never going to drink again!" i never dreamed i would find a group of people that i loved most when they were all together. and i love that, even when we're not perfect, it's the knowledge that when we are apart we are a little bit less that makes the togetherness so much better. i want to record this feeling somewhere, this feeling that i am a part of something much bigger than myself. it's the first time in my life i have felt this way and it's beautiful, but i have a funny feeling that it isn't going to last forever.

this group has made me better in so many different ways, whether they realize it or not.
i feel whole.
this year was incredible.