in a write-y mood.
and not the good productive kind of writing
things on my mind:
1. how its not fair that you have to leave and we get to stay. it's making me nervous thinking about not having you around anymore. you make me smile so much that i think i would like to put you in my pocket and have you translate mundane conversation into the amazing way that you phrase things all the time.
2. how i am so nervous to have real responsibilities like paying bills, cooking for myself, and maintaining a household in addition to schoolwork. and how i never realized how real that all was until just now. suddenly, i feel unprepared and frightened.
3. the way the sky looked today with the green, green leaves and sunlight and clouds and freezing wind sitting by the dryer heat
4. how scary it is that memories fade.
5. how much i have changed already. i distinctly recall around this time last year writing a blog post about how i hated groups and just wanted to get away by myself. now, i am so attached to these people that leaving is going to be like being stretched in all different directions, like gumby, or maybe more like a person being tortured on the rack.
6. how little i have changed. how my girlfriends back home will always be my best friends, no matter how many other best friends they have or how far away we are for most of the year. how they will always be my rock and how no other people can replace the role the have had in shaping me and how i hate myself for not being able to express that to them enough.
7. how i smoke cigarettes too much/how much i really need to get back to the gym.
8. how little i really know about the world.
9. how cool it is that i am studying what i am studying, and starting my dream life despite the fact that it's not quite as romantic as i imagined it.
10. how scary it is that i can't form romantic attachment to anyone and how easily i get scared off. i feel like that deer that stands on the side of the road. you know, the one you glimpse out of the corner of your eye when driving and mutter, "alright you little fucker, are you going to cross or not?". and the deer just stands there and stands there and sometimes you stop and honk, but normally you just speed off into the distance and forget about it seconds later. and the deer is left standing there, waiting to cross the road cautiously when no one is looking.
i should try and get hit by cars more often. mutually assured destruction seems like more fun.