Sunday, May 9, 2010

in a write-y mood.
and not the good productive kind of writing

things on my mind:
1. how its not fair that you have to leave and we get to stay. it's making me nervous thinking about not having you around anymore. you make me smile so much that i think i would like to put you in my pocket and have you translate mundane conversation into the amazing way that you phrase things all the time.
2. how i am so nervous to have real responsibilities like paying bills, cooking for myself, and maintaining a household in addition to schoolwork. and how i never realized how real that all was until just now. suddenly, i feel unprepared and frightened.
3. the way the sky looked today with the green, green leaves and sunlight and clouds and freezing wind sitting by the dryer heat
4. how scary it is that memories fade.
5. how much i have changed already. i distinctly recall around this time last year writing a blog post about how i hated groups and just wanted to get away by myself. now, i am so attached to these people that leaving is going to be like being stretched in all different directions, like gumby, or maybe more like a person being tortured on the rack.
6. how little i have changed. how my girlfriends back home will always be my best friends, no matter how many other best friends they have or how far away we are for most of the year. how they will always be my rock and how no other people can replace the role the have had in shaping me and how i hate myself for not being able to express that to them enough.
7. how i smoke cigarettes too much/how much i really need to get back to the gym.
8. how little i really know about the world.
9. how cool it is that i am studying what i am studying, and starting my dream life despite the fact that it's not quite as romantic as i imagined it.
10. how scary it is that i can't form romantic attachment to anyone and how easily i get scared off. i feel like that deer that stands on the side of the road. you know, the one you glimpse out of the corner of your eye when driving and mutter, "alright you little fucker, are you going to cross or not?". and the deer just stands there and stands there and sometimes you stop and honk, but normally you just speed off into the distance and forget about it seconds later. and the deer is left standing there, waiting to cross the road cautiously when no one is looking.
i should try and get hit by cars more often. mutually assured destruction seems like more fun.

have you ever met someone that you love so much it hurts?
how about ten or so people?

every day this year we have poured a little of ourselves into a big pot, and everyday the lines that once distinctly marked our pasts became a little more blurred. suddenly, we have a collective past. it belongs to each of us equally. we laugh, we cry, we scream, we hold hands, we kiss, we fight, we laugh more, we sigh, we play music, we just want to get some, we make fun, we discuss. i can't find a time of the week i like better than saturday and sunday morning, when after three or four cups of coffee and toast we finally piece together what happened the night before, mixed with peels of laughter and the ubiquitous "i'm never going to drink again!" i never dreamed i would find a group of people that i loved most when they were all together. and i love that, even when we're not perfect, it's the knowledge that when we are apart we are a little bit less that makes the togetherness so much better. i want to record this feeling somewhere, this feeling that i am a part of something much bigger than myself. it's the first time in my life i have felt this way and it's beautiful, but i have a funny feeling that it isn't going to last forever.

this group has made me better in so many different ways, whether they realize it or not.
i feel whole.
this year was incredible.